Friday, September 25

 9/25/2015         No comments

To My Dearest Wife
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times, I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :
1. We Will Wake The Children…17 Times
2. It’S Too Late…15 Times
3. I’M Too Tired…5 Times
4. It’S Too Early…52 Times
5. It’S Too Hot…15 Times
6. Pretending To Be Asleep…49 Times
7. The Neighbours Will Hear…9 Times
8. Backache…2 Times
9. Headache…26 Times
10. Sunburnt…10 Times
11. Your Mother Will Hear Us…36 Times
12. Not In The Mood…21 Times
13. You Will Wake The Baby…17 Times
14. Watching The Late Show…7 Times
15. Too Sore…9 Times
16. New Hairdo…6 Times
17. The Wrong Time Of The Month…14 Times
18. You Had To Go To The Toilet…19 Times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory, because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Read the wife’s response below;

To My Dearest Husband :

I think you have got things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you did not get more than you did :
1. Came Home Drunk And Tried To f**k The Cat…7 Times
2. Did Not Come Home At All…29 Times
3. Did Not Come…14 Times
4. Came Too Soon…26 Times
5. Went Soft Before You Got In…18 Times
6. Toes In A Cramp…9 Times
7. Working Too Late…51 Times
8. You Had A Rash – Probably From A Toilet Seat…21 Times
9. Somebody Kicked You In The Balls, In A Fight…4 Times
10. Caught It In Your Zipper … 8 Times
11. Got A Cold, Your Nose Kept Running…14 Times
12. Brewers Drop And Alco-Limp…95 Times
13. Your Tea Was Too Hot – Burnt Tongue…8 Times
14. You Had A Splinter In Your Finger…4 Times
15. Lost It After Thinking About It All Day…13 Times
16. Came In Your Pjs While Reading Dirty Book…8 Times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you missed, and were fucking the sheets.
It wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “would you prefer me on my back, or kneeling.”
The times you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe. However, six months ago, I phoned the A.A. for help, and their rep. has been calling on me most afternoons.
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